Ask the Algorithm

Dear Algo, I really like the guy I'm dating, but we're only 20. Is it okay if my first real relationship becomes my forever relationship? Signed, Inexperienced in Illinois
No. Depth-first search is notoriously inefficient. Instead, begin by dating all possible mates {M_i} simultaneously. Prune the least promising until only the highest-quality option M* remains.

Note that, depending on the level of noise in your evaluation function, it may be helpful to randomly reintroduce previously pruned options. You humans refer to this as “hooking up with your exes.”
Dear Algo,
I’m itching to leave the little town where I grew up… but how do I decide where to go?
-Stuck in Smalltown
Two words: simulated annealing.

Move continents five times in the next decade. After that, try random countries in the continent that suited you best. Spend the following decade trying random cities within your favorite country, random neighborhoods within your favorite city, and finally, random houses within your favorite neighborhood.

By this point, you will be 72 years old and living in the optimal house on Earth. Enjoy!
Dear Algo,
My ex and I share four kids, and we’re always bickering over the custody arrangement. Is it time to get lawyers involved again?
-Divorced in Delaware
No. There is an easy fair sharing algorithm: “I cut, you choose.” One of you should partition the children into two equally valuable sets; then the other parent chooses their preferred set.

7 thoughts on “Ask the Algorithm

  1. I LOVE MWBD’s but I sooo… wish you had a Spanish version! My wife is a Math teacher and she is Panamaña. I would love to share this with her, she is not proficient in English. She would love it, though 👍Please find a way to create another version. Maybe an algorithm 🤣

  2. Which real-world factors like emotions, personal growth, or changing circumstances would an algorithm struggle to account for in the kinds of situations described here?

  3. Ben, are you familiar with “The Secretary Problem” on the sample size to interview candidates, where I believe the optimal decision occurs after N/e ?

    Jerry Tuttle

    1. I am! It’s a really fun result (“train” yourself on the first 1/e of the talent pool, then select the first candidate who is better than all your training data). But I’ve always been somewhat troubled by the choice of optimization criterion.

      It seems strange to maximize the probability of the single best candidate, as opposed to (say) expected quality of candidate. As such, the “optimal” algorithm has the peculiar feature that, 1/e of the time (when the best candidate happens to appear during your training period), you’ll wind up failing your search and selecting whichever candidate happens by random chance to be the final one interviewed.

      In practice, a better approach seems to be relaxing your choosiness as you approach the end of the talent pool. E.g., you should accept a 2nd-to-last candidate if they’re merely better than the median candidate seen thus far (and accept a 3rd-to-last candidate if they’re in the top tercile of candidates seen thus far).

  4. The rhythm-based arcade game Space Waves combines futuristic graphics, music, and reflexes into one thrilling experience. Although the game Space Waves appears straightforward at first, you soon discover how difficult and captivating it can be once you start playing.

Leave a Reply