If the U.S. Congress Got to Legislate Physical Laws

Existing Law: For every action, there shall be an equal and opposite reaction.

New Law: For every action, there shall be a vicious and disproportionate reaction, followed by many months of inaction.

Existing Law: Planets orbit the sun in ellipses.

New Law: Planets orbit the sun in a series of strange curlicues, to be redistricted whenever a new party takes power.


Existing Law: Objects in motion shall tend to remain in motion, unless acted upon by an outside force.

New Law: Objects in office shall tend to remain in office, even if challenged in the primary by an outside force.


Existing Law: The universe is expanding.

New Law: If the universe is indeed expanding, then we shall see to it that the national debt keeps pace.


Existing Law: No temperature can ever reach absolute zero.

New Law: No temperature can reach absolute zero anytime in the next three months. We shall revisit the issue after such time has elapsed.


Existing Law: Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle: The more precisely you know the momentum of a particle, the less precisely you may know its position.

New Law: The more precisely you know a politician’s ambitions, the less precisely you may know his positions.


Existing Law: Perpetual motion machines are impossible.

New Law: We are proud to award a $75 billion federal contract to Perpetual Motion Machines Inc. (We assure you that their generous campaign contributions had no effect on our decision whatsoever.)


Existing Law: Natural selection drives evolution; that is, organisms better suited to survival and reproduction will tend to survive and reproduce more than their competitors.

New Law: Natural selection drives the economy; by the way, we’re loaning Wall Street half a trillion dollars, hope everyone’s cool with that.


Existing Law: E = mc2.

New Law: [The value of E is currently vacant, as the Senate has filibustered all seven values that the president has nominated.]

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5 thoughts on “If the U.S. Congress Got to Legislate Physical Laws

  1. Thanks a lot for giving Congress ideas! I’m afraid that the prospect of changing physical laws and all the glorious power they could wield may be what finally spurs Congress into fervent and fervid action.

  2. Existing Law: No temperature can ever reach absolute zero.

    New Law: No temperature can reach absolute zero anytime in the next three months. We shall revisit the issue after such time has elapsed.

    This was my favorite and what drive me nuts the most… I think… or it might be all the things you wrote about drive me nuts… but one has to try and keep their metal sanity!!

    This was truly a pleasure to read!!!

  3. Pingback: Blog - physicsworld.com

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