Star Trek with Bad Drawings (by me, age 6)

EDIT: Apparently this is my 100th post! This blog has gotten a totally implausible 1.9 million views in its first year. Thanks so much for reading. Today, I pay tribute to my 6-year-old self by showing his bad drawings to the world as well.

I found these drawings in the basement of my childhood home. Apparently by age 6, I had already achieved 95% of my current drawing abilities, as well as developed into a pretty serious Trekkie.

I’m traveling right now, so rather than rap about math education, I’ll take this post to reflect on Star Trek villains. Don’t worry: my thoughts are as clever and provocative as my drawings are beautiful.

star trek - borg ship
Apparently my phonetic interpretation of “Borg” didn’t require an “r.”

The Borg were cyber-zombies, half-robot and half-humanoid. At age 6, they terrified me. They kind of still do.

They’d abduct you, attach their hardware, and absorb you into their creepy, staggering, ruthless hive mind. Their memorable warning: We will add your biological and technological distinctiveness to our own. Your culture will adapt to service us. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.

star trek - data's insides
This one took me a while to figure out. It’s “Data’s insides.” Data was an android; this is the back of his head, which they occasionally open up. I think there’s a USB port somewhere in there.

The Borg were the perfect villains for Star Trek: The Next Generation. The whole show is a wonderfully sincere, painfully earnest, you-could-only-do-it-in-the-’90s celebration of diversity. It envisions humanity as benevolent explorers, friends to the galaxy, affirming and embracing the unique beauty of every alien race we encounter.

The Borg were the opposite. They annihilated diversity. They homogenized. They assimilated. Perhaps most frightening of all, they lay beyond humanity’s capacity for empathy. You couldn’t understand them, reason with them, find common ground. You could only hope to resist.

star trek - control panel
The control panel. That said, “cintrola panal” sounds like a beautiful farewell in some alien language.

Lately, I’ve been watching Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. It’s a study in postcolonial politics. Its star is Benjamin Sisko: widower, Picard-hater, and cunning pragmatist. He navigates a complex diplomatic landscape full of religious extremists, sympathetic terrorists, dubious allies, shades of gray. Humanity’s hope in DS9 isn’t to explore and empathize. It’s to aid and protect the victims of oppression (the Bajorans), without accidentally becoming an oppressive colonial power themselves.

star trek - enterprise
A very abstract interpretation of the USS Enterprise, with a minimalist approach to vowels.

Suitably, DS9‘s villain is a far cry from the Borg. Instead, it’s the Dominion, a complex and unabashedly hierarchical empire. The Dominion conquers and subjugates without apology. They won’t strip you of your individuality, like the Borg. They’ll just strip you of your power, your resources, and your freedom. Blunt wielders of power, they’re everything the humans fear becoming.

(By the way, folks, no spoilers in the comments! I’m only on Season 6.)

star trek - ferengi
Ferengi! A big-eared alien race. This is my favorite of the drawings.

The Ferengi are a bizarre member of the Star Trek animal kingdom. Originally envisioned as the big villains for The Next Generation, they were quickly sidelined when they turned out to be totally ridiculous and stupid-looking.

Seriously. My drawing flatters them.

They’re money-grubbing capitalists. They oppress their females. And they’ve got giant ears, which–I kid you not–give them orgasms when you rub them. Essentially, these are sexist, second-rate con-men with two wrinkly phalluses wrapped around their heads.

In DS9, they’re used mostly for comic relief, in episodes with tiles like “My Splendid Ferengi” and “A Ferengi to Remember” and “Ferengi Goes to the Dentist.” These episodes are so spectacularly (and perhaps deliberately) unfunny that I suspect no one has ever, ever watched them all the way through.

star trek - starship in space
“Star ship in space.” In hindsight, I’m not sure where the hell else you’d find a star ship.

I think the Ferengi also failed as villains because above all else, they’re capitalists, and in Star Trek, capitalism isn’t the enemy. It’s an antique. A sideshow.

Then again, they’re fun for six-year-olds to draw, and that ain’t nothing.

17 thoughts on “Star Trek with Bad Drawings (by me, age 6)

  1. Heh, your drawing skills may not have improved that much, but your english skills sure have!

    1. Well, I’m biased by my love for Patrick Stewart, who’s the best actor ever to appear in Star Trek. As for Sisko, I find myself very invested in his professional life, but no so much in his personal dramas. (It doesn’t help that Jake turned out way less cool than Nog.)

  2. I am in absolute love with Trek. If you enjoyed DS9, try Battlestar Galactica.

    Also, you’re in for a treat. The final season of DS9, especially the final 10 or so episodes, are some of the best television ever.

    1. Thanks! Really looking forward to season 7.

      I loved Battlestar, too – in fact, my wife and I are two of the few people I know who are ardent defenders of the finale.

      1. I think the finale was more good than bad. Lee’s stance, to avoid spoilers, seemed somewhat forced to me, but that happens so often in the show I have to wonder if it was intentional in the writing. The final scene with Kara and Lee was amazing, as was the scene with Baltar and Caprica.

      1. The best part of DS9, in my opinion, is that the Ferengi trio move from comic relief side characters to being fundamental to the plot. No one, when watching season one, could’ve predicted how important and serious characters they would become.

  3. I was feeling fairly good about my stats until your first line. Teach me, oh great sensai!

    Really though, that’s spectacular! Congrats and keep up the great and inspiring work!

    1. I wouldn’t worry about it! Neither you nor I is making any money off of extra clicks, and I’d rather have a good discussion among a handful of regular readers than thousands of people skimming past without paying attention.

      Anyway, thanks for reading! Keep up your own festive drawing. And keep fighting the good fight.

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