If I Ran the Bank

What if I ran the bank? Well, I’m glad I rhetorically asked!

I would do away with the drab old types of interest: “compounded annually,” “compounded continuously”… I’m asleep before I’ve even listed a third. Instead, I’d offer the following dramatically more awesome types of interest.

Compounded sporadically: Your balance grows whenever I remember to update the spreadsheet.

Compounded in media resWe begin by revealing your shocking balance statement from 5 years in the future. Then, in real time, you experience the thrilling story of how that balance came to be.

Compounded over social media: Any interest you earn is paid out in the form of Twitter followers and likes on your band’s Facebook page. For large investors (over $50,000), a bank representative will claim to have actually listened to your music, though she won’t remember any specific songs.

Compounded without the middleman: We transfer any interest you earn directly to the bar, store, or casino where—let’s be honest—you were going to lose it all anyway. (For a convenience fee, we will do the same for your principal.)

Compounded theatrically: Right before I update the spreadsheet, I hum a dramatic musical sting, such as “ba bada BAH!” or the Jaws theme.

Compounded historically: In this account, the violent conquests of your ancestors pay many forms of interest, all of which you may collect automatically, without weighing the ethical implications. Enjoy!

Compounded by Malcolm Gladwell: Your balance statement will be wonderfully clear, thought-provoking, and enjoyable to read. It may or may not reflect how much money you actually have.

Compounded via political dysfunction: Your entire investment will be spent on a lobbyist for laxer banking regulations. The expense will pay off 10,000-fold, though not necessarily for you.

Compounded Madoff-ly: After years of dubiously high interest, it will come out that I’m just typing random numbers into the spreadsheet, and have actually spent your entire investment on my dream of opening a risotto food truck.

Compounded 2006-style: If your balance exceeds $0.76, we will urge you to buy a three-bedroom house. No down payment required! Don’t worry, we trust you.

9 thoughts on “If I Ran the Bank

  1. At one point, I scrolled down to see how many examples were left. I was hoping it was one of those pages that when you get near the bottom, more good stuff gets loaded. Sadly, all that was left was “Compounded 2006-style”. I savored it.

    Keep up the excellent posts!

  2. I did not realize there could be so many ways of trimming investors in banking stocks (or is it banking clients). Now there will be myriad burgeoning schemes for reaping where we haven’t sown…

  3. I’m really enjoying reading through your blog!

    And I would definitely buy food from a place called “Risotto this World.”

  4. Thanks for reading, guys! Sorry I’m so slow on replying to comments…

    aakilade: I’ve rarely heard a better phrase for financial nonsense than “Reaping where we haven’t sown.”

    Danny: I’ll check it out!

    David: Just for that, I’m giving you a complimentary bowl of risotto when “Risotto this World” finally opens.

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